quinta-feira, 19 de abril de 2012


       Friday night, I'm alone at home, sitting on the armchair at the living room and looking the rain drops falling out there. From the roof the rain drops roll down the window pane, where I put my head watching them touching the ground and falling apart on the concrete. I'm at the brown armchair. Armchair on which, for dozen times, we sat together to see the stars. Today I don't see stars, it seems like each rain drop is a star that falls from sky... and a tear that rolls on my face.
       Today I don't have you by my side; and I suffer because of this. I cry while with one hand I fondle the soft and brown fabric of the armchair. With the other hand I press my chest that feels like it can blow in thousand pieces at any time. And then I burst into tears thinking that it was my fault.
       I loved you with all my body and soul, but I wasn't fair. I did not trust in you, I underestimated the feelings you had for me... And now I know they were intense and true.
       Every five minutes I take a look to the telephone on my lap... I think about calling you, but I don't know what to tell you. You were very clear when you went out through that door crying and saying that it was over... I cannot think about a speech that could redeem myself. So the empty house; the rain and the dark blue sky completing the scenario of gloom in which I am; the space left on the brown armchair and the anguish that suffocates my heart... They all seem to steal from me the little fresh air breath I have left. I howl hoping that someone is going to hear my cry and rescue me. I wait a while and nor the door bell, nor the phone rings.
       The rainfall outside gets stronger, and here inside my anguish does the same. Now every thunder I hear makes me fell a huge fear like if I was going to be annihilated by the divine wrath because of what I have done, not only to you, but to myself too.
       I wish so hard I had a chance to ask for forgiveness, to undo the hurt that I caused in you... But instead of all of this what I have is a cowardice mixed with self disappointment  because I was not able to give the appropriate treatment to the person that I've loved the most in my life!
       What's left to me tonight? I recline smoothly, lean my head on the armchair's back and turn my face slowly to the pane. The rain doesn't stop, neither does my pain... But my eyes are tired of so much crying, then slowly I fall asleep at the place of the house that most reminds me of you; the brown armchair that still seems to carry a soft scent of your perfume. I hope that at least this makes me dream about you... Because in my dreams I still have you in my arms!